from nico suave in new york city
messy & the roaches
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from nico suave in upstate new york
closeup of hercules' ASS
from nico suave in upstate new york
the establishing shot...yes...art
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from spencer in illinois
office space middle finger?
from tim
we don't even WANT to know what occurred after this photo was taken...
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from mensa-tration mike in illinois
sabotage of the delivery man!
from mensa-tration mike in illinois
sabotage of the delivery man's truck.
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from mensa-tration mike in illinois
sabotage of the delivery man's truck pt. 2
from mensa-tration mike in illinois
even the ups man gets it!
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from mensa-tration mike in illinois
the back door...ugh!!
from mensa-tration mike in illinois
the back door pt. 2
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from mensa-tration mike in illinois
smoker's lounge?
from mensa-tration mike in illinois
yet another delivery man...
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mensa-tration mike's great sticker fiasco
i had to include this fabulous story by the great mensa-tration mike, since it involves GETTING ARRESTED AND CHARGED WITH ASSAULT to put a sticker on a cop's ass! check it, folks!
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I happened to have found myself on an expressway in the middle of Wisconsin (which I often do, when I have nothing to better to entertain myself with) I was travelling armed with a complete set of stickers from the lovely Miss Messy and my comrade, Yellow-Belly. I had finally decided to take a chance with the Great Sticker Fiasco. I was feeling creative and edgy, so I needed to do something way out of the range of what I thought anyone else would do. As I was passing through a tollbooth heading back towards good olÕ Illinois, I noticed a State TrooperÕs car parked on the opposite side that I was on. There was no driver visible so I assumed that the officer was probably copping a hefty squat in the nearby shit-booth. I calmly pulled my car over by some semi-trucks parked on my side and got out. I ran across the entire toll way holding my crotch and dancing around making is seem as if I really REALLY had to fucking pee. This kept me from getting run down and got me a lot of beeps and fingers (am I the only one with a weak bladder?). My buddy had followed me carrying my lucky Logitech brand mini-digital camera. My original pre-formulated plan involved me planting MessyÕs lovely face on the bumper of the Swine Transport. Most likely he wouldnÕt have noticed it until the end of his shift when the car was taken back to the station to be washed. A simple plan for some cheap laughs and the praise of all.
But things didnÕt quite turn out that way.
As I was creeping up behind the Bacon-Mobile, the officer had emerged from the stink-booth smiling like he just dropped about 20 tons of raw steaming fly food. At first I panicked, as I was about 2 feet from his bumper and I had already removed the backing from the cleavage sporting Messy. He hadnÕt seen me because he was coming from the front. The little voice in my head told me to jump the wall and wait until he drove away. Instead, I felt my pants get heavy as I suddenly grew a big hefty set of brass balls. I hunkered down behind his car and as he opened his door to get in. In a flash of post-stoner ingenuity, I wadded up a 20-dollar bill and tossed it under the car. The wind caught it just right and knocked it right into his boot. YAY!!! As he bent to pick it up (even cops canÕt resist finding cash on the ground) I sprinted from behind his car and smacked Little Miss Stench right onto his left butt-cheek. SCORE!!!!
Then shit went downhill. As I was escaping I clipped my shoulder on his open car door and ended up spinning myself onto the pavement. I guess my new brass balls threw off my balance and sucked up some brain cells too. The sun was right on top of me so I had trouble looking straight up, but when I did, Officer Extremely Irritated was staring down at me with his hand on his gun. It wasnÕt drawn, but he did have the little security clip flipped up. That was enough to scare me straight sober. He told me to get on my knees and put my hands on my head. As he put the cuffs on me, I was informed that I was being arrested for assaulting a police officer. Which was perfectly understandable since I probably scared the shit out of him (if he indeed had any shit left in him).
Common sense dictates that you shouldnÕt freak out an officer. But IÕve never been one for common senseÉitÕs so boring. As I was being put into the back seat of his car (he was surprisingly nice considering what I did) I noticed my idiot friend taking off in my carÉBASTARD!!!! As I was being taking to the Rockford police station (apparently the side of my toll-way that I was arrested in was part of Illinois state trooper territory.) I explained to the officer that I was trying out for the next season of jackassÉwhich is actually a show I have never seen because I donÕt have cable, but I couldnÕt think of anything else. It turned out that it was one of his fav programs, and we ended up having a long conversation about the show (I bullshitted my way through his questions about my favorite parts and stuff)
At the station I was processed and dumped into a very cozy holding cell. They kept my right hand cuffed to the bench and let me stew in my own immoral juices for a while. After about 20 or 30 minutes (or longer, there wasnÕt any clocks) the officer back came in and told me I was only being charged with disturbing the peace. YES!!! My witty charm had worked!!! But I still had to post 100 dollars bail. They gave me free use of the phone and I called that bastard, Yellow-Belly, who had ditched me. 6 hours later, he finally arrived with the money and they let me go. The pisser is that chicken-shit didnÕt take any photos. He ran as soon as the officer walked out of the Temporary Colon Relief Box. He received a swelled and blackened eye for his cowardice. I still have an upcoming court date to explain myself and get my fine or community service or whatever they are going to dump on me.
To Be Continued
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